Fools Will Be Fooled

I contemplated even continuing this blog.

But the mere fact that I even have to think and wonder tells me that I should continue.

Now, let's get real.

It's always scary how things could potentially play out
I mean, you have in your mind how you hope things will go
But it just doesn't.
Literally,
It. Just. Doesn't.

It's not even that I didn't try because I always tried my best..

But, 

When you're faced with having to let go of something you never wanted to release..

That's where true growth begins.

It's hard.

There were times I felt physically sick. Nauseous. 

There were times I wanted to reach out.

Times where I'd even read old messages and look at old videos and pictures.

It's almost like grieving the death of a person who's still alive.

All the feelings you'd get if that person (God Forbid) passed away but you know they're still here..they simply just made a decision. The same "choice" I discussed in "Keep Yo' Heart." 

Sometimes you have to come to terms with and accept the fact that you weren't the choice they decided upon.

It may hurt for the time being.. trust me, I get it.

Just try to hear me out when I say, you will be okay.

I Promise.

I recently found myself in a situation I never thought I'd be in, lol
I've never been the "it couldn't be me" type of person but,
I legitimately thought it could not be me.

Well....

Fools will be fooled

Intuition is everything.
That gut feeling is there for a reason.
It's meant to be acknowledged. It's meant to be heard. It's meant to be trusted.

Sometimes, being a good person isn't enough.
Sometimes, being completely transparent isn't enough.

Sometimes walking into something with a completely refreshed outlook on "new beginnings" including no insecurities.. no projections..nothing but a fair shot...isn't enough.
Sometimes, even having unmatched chemistry, an unimaginable quantity of things in common, similar childhood backgrounds, 

encouraging and supporting one another to reach goals,

a mutual love, respect, and honor for God,

a friendship that was built on trust, honesty, and compassion and so much more..

Just isn't enough.

Like I've stated in many of the blog entries before..I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot.

I just try to treat people the way I want to be treated by them.

Besides, respect is everything to me. 

I value respect over love 100 times over.

So before I choose to love you...Just know, I'll always respect you first.

Here's to an experience I still sometimes wish would've ended differently.

It all started September 13, 2020

I'll always remember that day

...

We'll call him "Liam"
...

It was the day I met Liam, officially. 

We previously met in 2016 but neither of us remember much of it because we were in two completely different places in life and it wasn't anything more than maybe a few conversations here and there.

I was starting College in a new city and he was in school as well in our hometown.

When we officially met, we honestly instantly clicked. I can't tell you when we weren't communicating because we literally talked all the time.

During this time, I was traveling with my family to Florida. My aunt was retiring from the military and my family wanted to go down to support her. 

Liam and I literally communicated the entire time.

We talked about where we were during that time in our lives spiritually, emotionally, even physically. A lot of juicy, straight forward, honest conversations.

We talked about our upbringing, our families, our goals, even intentions with one another.. honestly anything you can think of, we talked about. lol 

But one day.. Liam said he had to tell me something and I wasn't sure what it was because we just started communicating. 

I'm a pretty open and understanding person so there's nothing anyone should be afraid to tell me.

He proceeded to tell me he has a child.

Now, I know what so many of you are thinking lol 

Probably something along the lines of.. "Nope" "You should've ran, Nas" "Baby Mama Drama" "I'm not dealing with nobody kids" 

But honestly, I didn't feel that way. None of those thoughts even ran through my mind. I only know what you're thinking because there were quite a few people close to me who told me they would've thought those things.

Plus, not gonna lie.. I did my research so I already knew before this man told me lol

I knew a lot. 

But... Pro Tip #1: never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. 

Just because I already knew these things doesn't mean I was going to let him know that I knew. I decided to wait for this man to feel comfortable enough to decide on his own when he'd like to tell me.

It wasn't a secret.

But I respected his timing.

As long as he was an active father, supportive, actually in his child's life, no loose strings and complications with the child's mother, I was down with the new beginning. 

He opened up and told me how dating has been difficult for him because a lot of women aren't accepting of a guy with a child. That was understandable because I get it. Some people have their preferences and they're entitled to that as their own person.  

He went ahead and told me the in's and out's of the situation with his child's mother and to my understanding, he was very honest. I could only take his word because to me, word is bond. I'll trust your word until you prove to me otherwise. You know? 

So he expressed to me there was absolutely nothing there, it was "strictly about their child" and of course some other things but out of respect for him and myself, I'll keep a lot private and between us. 

There was even a time where we hung out and he tried to show me their thread but I insisted that I didn't want to read it because "I trust you and trust that you've been honest with me" is what I told him...

Whole time I'm thinking like "Yeah, Show me those messages. Every last one. From the first Hello" Lmao. Im kidding.

We bagan to hang out.. a lot. 

If he wasn't at work or with his child, we were together. He MADE time for me. Respectfully, I made time for him as well. 

I'll never forget our first time hanging out. By this time things were GREAT between us. We had open and honest communication, amazing vibes, we were both extremely goofy so laughing and clowning each other was a daily thing, for the first time in a while..I actually felt somewhat safe with a guy. 

I've had TERRIBLE experiences with men since a very young child but..

Liam honestly made me feel safe. 

Fast forward to our first time hanging out..He was at work. He'd mentioned before that he would really like it if I came to his job during his break to see him and chop it up a little. I kept that in mind.

A couple of days earlier before we even decided to meet up he also told me that one of his favorite things to eat is Pizza. 

So, in my head I'm like "I don't wanna do too much..but bro if I was working a 13 hour shift I would want someone to bring me some food" 

So on my way to his job, I stopped to one of his favorite pizza spots that he mentioned in one of our previous conversations and grabbed him a couple of slices and something to drink. 

I pulled up to his job and let him know that I was there. 

He gets to my car and y'all.... literally...f I n e. 

That's honestly all I have to say. This man was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. The work uniform, the hat, the skin, the beard, the smile, the height.. his eyes, his eyes especially..everything. First impressions were absolutely checking every one of my boxes. 

He proceeded to give me the biggest and tightest hug, picked me up a little and from that day on.. we hung out and saw each other very very often, talked daily. Of course there were times where we'd go a little while without seeing each other because we were both busy..adulting. 

The point is, we were investing into each other and before you know it we were literally the best of friends with a lot of flirting, sweet gestures, and clean intimacy (nothing sexual). 

We're about 5 months into getting to know each other,  hanging out, not 1 argument. Maybe 2 or 3 disagreements when we were having debates on random topics but literally nothing serious pertaining to our connection and us being an "us." 

Mind you, in those 5 months, we never spent time at each other's places... that's not really my thing. He had to be a gentleman and court me properly for me to even entertain him/give him the time of day and that's what he did because who's playing games and wasting time?

Not me. 

We had a "spot" that we'd meet up at in our hometown

You could see a good portion of the downtown area at our "spot."

We'd go there to talk..sometimes what was supposed to have been 1 hour conversations would turn into 5 hour conversations. lol

We went on quite a few dates and even had our "Parked car movie date nights." 

Things were great. This was the most healthy, extremely open and honest connection I've ever had in my life. After taking a long break from dating (about 2 years) to heal and love on myself since the "College Love" entry and going through so much mental and emotional abuse... I thought all of the hard work I did on myself was finally paying off. 

I met the guy of my dreams. He was everything I would ask God for before even meeting him. 

He was everything I hoped for. 

Definitely the kind of man I could honestly see myself growing with and being with for a very long time if not, the rest of my life. Thats just how great things were. 

We already established we were serious, dating, moving towards a relationship.

We reached a point in the connection where he was very honest and open with me saying these words almost exactly "I'm very serious about you. I want to be with you. I am not interested in having options, we're passed that stage. I want to take the next step and strictly focus on each other" 

Most guys these days aren't that open so of course I listened and I wanted the same thing so we established what "strictly focusing on each other" means and from then on everything was perfect. 

But Liam had secrets. Liam wasn't as honest as he promised he was being. Liam had other intentions. 

2 or 3 days after we just had an amazing time hanging out together.. Liam sends me a random text. 

We were obviously communicating daily since our last meet up but this specific day was weird.. the texts were spotty, he didn't call me like he usually does, things were just unusual. 

I asked him if everything was okay.

Completely out of the blue, no heads up, no previous talks, nothing..

He sends me this text shortly after..

"First and Foremost Anias I want to apologize for everything. 

This will be my last text to you. 

As a man I feel like I'm not complete without my family. 

That's an empty spot in your heart. 

And as a man, I must break that cycle. 

I wish you nothing but continuous nurturing and success" 

I'll never forget those words. I think about them whenever I think of him and almost a year later I still get the "sinking heart" feeling. I remember everything about that moment. Where I was when I got the text. What I was doing. How I immediately started pouring my eyes out.. It was hurtful.

So, There I was..

Heart broken. Once again. 

I can't win. Lol

Imagine reading that after you were reassured very often, courted properly, and were fooled into thinking it was something completely authentic when in reality..was just a game to the other person.

At least that's how I felt at the time..

Imagine reading that message after you actually showed someone you were accepting, would never judge them, or look at them differently after they vulnerably expressed themselves regarding dating with a child, on many occasions.

 

Imagine receiving that text after you thought you  finally met the person of your dreams. Lol

Imagine feeling like all of it was for nothing.

The dates, exposing my deepest and darkest secrets, the effort, the time spent, the cuddles (even after overcoming personal fear of being touched by the opposite sex), the 5 hour long parked car conversations, all the false promises of meeting each others family (his child, especially), everything..everything we planned was all a lie. It was for absolutely nothing. Just wasted time.  

Smh...tough. 

I'll be honest and admit I went through this extremely silent phase.

I didn't speak to many people, I deleted social media accounts from my phone.

I didn't hang out with anyone really. 

I just wanted to be alone.  

My thoughts were insane.

While I wanted everything around me to be silent..my mind was screaming.

I couldn't stop thinking. There were times when I would physically be tired  after being awake for 3 days straight but I still couldn't go to sleep. 

My mind would be thinking of a million scenarios as to why and how I could somehow blame this entire situation on myself.

I did a lot of thinking, thinking, and more thinking. 

I questioned myself and my own worthiness.

I became extremely insecure about who I was as a person.

I became insecure about how I looked even.

I blamed myself for his decision countless times. 

I felt that everything was my fault. 

I felt like something just to pass time until he was ready to mend things with his "family."

I felt disgusted with myself.

Not even with him but with myself.

I'm human and now that I've had plenty of time to sit in those feelings and reflect, I realize that it was okay for me to feel every way I felt. 

Of course his decision wasn't my fault. It never was but my feelings were valid.

They deserved to be acknowledged.

With no explanation given after the fact, no heads up from Liam before hand saying something such as "Hey Anias, I've been having a few thoughts and I think its best if we sit down and talk about some things," nothing...at all, I think it was okay for me to feel every way I felt. 

He ghosted me. 

Completely vanished. 

Now that I've had time to dissect things..his actions were never my fault. The only thing I was responsible for was being a genuine person. Being who God intended and created me to be. A person that he'll probably spend the rest of his life searching for in other women(you'll understand why I say this a little later)...

There aren't many people who can say they've received a chance at experiencing my heart and honestly,

I don't regret anything. 

I've grown to become very secure in my worth. I'm very secure in what I bring to the table. I'm very secure in who I am as a person and how rare it is to come across the kind of person I am in a world so cold. 

I can't be upset at him for having the full package at his door step and deciding to mail it back, why? Because he's his own person and he's entitled to make decisions he feel will BEST suit his life.

I'm not mad at him.

The average person would've hated him, would've exploded and probably would've done unimaginable things if that happened to them. 

I didn't. 

I didn't hate him.

I didn't pull up at his job during his work hours to see what he was doing. 

I didn't blow up his phone. 

I didn't stalk his social media. 

None of that. 

I respected him enough to respect his decision. I never respected the way he did things because he could've moved completely different. He could've handled me with the care and gentleness he promised me from the beginning. Word is bond. 

Still to this very day..I hate the way in which he did things but I don't hate him. I never could. I honestly never will. 

Liam hurt me. definitely. 

He tore my heart to pieces lol Completely shredded it and then stomped on the remains. 

There's so much more to this story I kept under wraps because some things should remain between us but...

Our memories are usually nicer than the reality of what something was..

I'll always keep the beautiful memories in my heart.

It doesn't end here, in all honesty... the story is just beginning. 

Because Ole Liam...Liam had even more secrets.. 

...

...

...

Stay tuned for Part 2