College Love
These thoughts and memories could very well be stirring up from the wine I'm sipping on..however, I really think I'm contemplating on this because Kenyon Dixon just dropped a new EP today and I've listened to it repeatedly. (Exquisite content btw, definitely go check it out "Switch-EP.") I'm not going to lie, it definitely has me thinking about someone from my past...so, here goes nothing...
Get comfortable because this is going to be a bit lengthy...
It started off pretty smoothly actually,
It wasn't a basic "hi" or "hello" but it was a "your beauty is highly respected upon me"..
At first I wasn't interested. Not even a little.
This specific day he was wearing a windbreaker and some blue sweatpants that were obviously cut into shorts, I guess he had just gotten out of workouts.
The sweatshorts were very revealing... I'm going to be honest, your girl was in a complete trance. I was stuck looking at something I shouldn't have been. It wasn't intentional at all but it really just caught me completely off guard but then.. the most embarrassing thing happened. I guess he spotted me staring at what was in his sweatshorts and he bent his head down by his private area to make eye contact and waved at me to get my attention on his face. I was so embarrassed because I was.....
caught.
looking.
at.
his.
Johnson.
If you know me then you know, I was WEAK.
To play it off, I smiled and waved back. Kept it cool. calm. and collected. know me. Lol
That's literally where it all began.
Later that evening, Michael slid in the dm's and asked for my number. We began communicating daily.
We never discussed that incident until later down the line but..
Things were perfect.
We were getting to know each other on a friendship level with a dash of flirting here and there.
Subtle.
Very Subtle.
I guess you can say I started to become somewhat attracted to his personality and how well we instantly connected. We both had a sense of humor that only we could understand from each other.
We literally had so much in common, similar music taste, food choices, TV shows, anything you can think of...Michael and I were connected.
He was a very sweet and attentive person in the beginning.
He would invite me to his room on campus (our dorms were right across from each other.) There wasn't much we could do on campus and we were both extremely conservative, so I wasn't tripping off of the room invites. We could only go to his room because at the time, mine wasn't co-ed but his was. He was a class ahead of me. I was still a Freshman and he was a Sophomore. We would literally chill and talk. He never touched me, never tried anything sexual with me, we barely even flirted in person, we'd only give each other the little slight side hugs when he would come to the door and let me in and when we'd say goodbye's.
It was never too much. I liked that because I'm not really too fond of being touched unless I'm EXTREMELY close to that person..but..
we just talked.
we got to know each other on levels so deeply
Some nights he would play his game and he'd connect me to the bluetooth so I could play music.
I guess you can say we just enjoyed each other's presence.
Hanging out in his room became the norm for a little while...
We were always weak at the goofiest things, being around him never got old.
I was beginning to enjoy Michael...a lot.
This one specific night we were both just doing our own thing while in his room. He was sitting in his desk chair playing his game and I was sitting on his bed just scrolling on my phone. I was connected to the bluetooth. I guess he caught me singing along to this song and he said "I didn't know you could sing...I like your voice." It caught me completely off guard because he was playing "Red Dead or Fortnite," yall know how niggas be about them games...So, I didn't even think he was paying attention to me. Plus, he had the headset on.
That was one of the first compliments he ever gave me in person, face to face. It was..
Subtle
but it was still something, I guess.
I remember the song like it was yesterday. I was playing Braid Your Hair by Jazmine Sullivan. Once he said this, I immediately stopped singing because he caught me when I didn't even realize I was singing and if you know me then you know I don't usually sing around people. I love music and I love singing but Idk, it's just a weird "me" thing.
After this, we immediately became closer. I'm not sure how but from this day forward and throughout the rest of our college years..we would always reconvene. I don't care how long we went without speaking..we always found ourselves back in each others' space somehow..some way. Michael was beginning to discover parts of me I never knew existed. Michael was becoming everything I never even knew I wanted..He was really LIKE THAT in more ways than a little.
Whenever we were on breaks from dating...we would entertain others but it obviously didn't compare to what we shared with one another because there was nothing that would keep us from each other for too long.
Michael and I were connected..I was beginning to care about him...a lot.
Michael and I stopped communicating around May/June of my Freshman year of college after being off and on since that previous October. (Shortly after May/June..I then met Contagious, refer back to "Coming To You As A Woman"...Contagious is who I used to get my mind off of Michael.)
Fast forward to the Spring of 2018..
It was the end of my Sophomore year and I was approaching my Junior year of College, Michael was approaching his Senior year of college. During this time, a lot changed. I wasn't as available. I grew as a person during that time apart. I wasn't sweating Contagious...but even through everything I had gone through, the feelings for Michael never left. Contagious was merely just a distraction to make me feel what I wanted to feel from Michael....But, things were different. I was a Resident Advisor, I was still an Official Student Leader, I was apart of the University Concert Choir, I was apart of a few clubs/organizations on campus, I battled with a lot of personal issues I had gone through with Contagious and I also became a woman of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. My schedule was hectic but late April of 2018...Michael and I reconvened.
We weren't on good terms at all. I will admit, I gained feelings for him out of the blue and he completely destroyed them. I didn't necessarily WANT to gain feelings for him..our chemistry was unmatched..it just happened.
It almost felt as if he led me on just to let me down, I HATED him. I didn't even want him in the beginning.
HE was persistent.
HE reached out to me.
HE introduced me to a feeling he didn't have to if he had no intentions on being consistent.
Michael would hit me up randomly every blue moon to check on me during the time we weren't on good terms..at times, I just didn't respond. I really wanted to respond, always.. but I didn't. It was hard for me not to respond. I loved the fact that he'd let me know that I was on his mind regardless of what terms we were on, that's what mattered the most.
My friends and I would sit in the car for hours..we would smoke plenty of blunts and they would just listen to me vent about how hurt I was by Michael. I would cry, they would wipe my tears. I could NOT believe I actually had feelings for this dude.
My jersey was destroyed LMBO.
Michael took me out of the game. I was HURT. (I'll never go completely into depth about everything we went through because some things should stay between him and I. Just know...He and I experienced things that are unforgettable.)
We would still see each other on campus but we would walk past each other like we didn't know each other. When Michael and I reconvened...He was a COMPLETELY different person. Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was just an act..but I was blinded by what I thought was love, missing him, who I wanted him to be and generally having him around.. no matter how much I hated him..to me, he was my friend. &I wanted my friend back.
Everything changed. He was more affectionate, he was even more persistent, he was more attentive, he would make time to see me, he was really showing EFFORT. He made me feel more special than he ever had, previously..
But Michael had a secret....
Michael and I were texting one day and he said he had something to tell me. He said it would be better if he told me in person. So, in my head I'm like "Wow, he likes men. That has to be what it is." I couldn't think of anything else....But boy was I wrong.
So, Michael came to my suite in Duke Hall one night and we began talking. He told me that while we weren't communicating he had sex with someone EXTREMELY close to me. I was HEARTBROKEN. I felt like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest and he took it and wiped his tail with it.
While the girl and I are were extremely close, there are VERY few people who know about my love life. Idc how close we are...I've never liked anyone knowing about who I'm dealing with until we are completely solid. Michael and I weren't solid.
My mom always taught me If you love in public, you'll hurt in public. Some things are okay to keep to yourself.
I couldn't be mad at her because she didn't know about Michael and I...but Michael knew her and I were cool. Trust me, he knew.
What hurt me the most is that when I went to her and asked her what was up (once again, being VERY confrontational) she lied. She said they hadn't been sexual. I was devastated because...why would you lie?
For various reasons, mainly because I'm TOOOO nice of a person, I forgave both of them.
We all started fresh. I didn't want to lose either of them. They both played major roles in my life...my heart wouldn't lead me to let go of my friend..nor the guy I was falling in love with.
Michael began showing me things I never experienced before. We became BEST FRIENDS during the summer of 2018. I honestly feel like that experience made us so much more close. I opened up to him about many "self" issues I dealt with and he did the same. There was NOTHING we didn't know about each other...we talked 48/14..ALL DAY, everyday.
Michael was becoming a huge part of my life. He made me feel beautiful when I felt extremely insecure, he heard me when none of my other friends were up for listening, he let me roast him and trust me, he never failed to roast me back. He was the perfect gentleman too. Lol Michael was becoming the guy of my dreams.
Michael asked me to be his girlfriend 3 times that summer...I told him we needed to wait until we got back to campus and were in person.
We were really falling for each other in ways that were so unimaginable.
But,
He needed to show me DIFFERENT. He needed to still prove himself to me.
My birthday is August 1st and we didn't get back to campus until August 17th. He wanted to see me and make time for me throughout that summer and on my actual birthday but I insisted we waited until we were both back on campus. After what we had just gone through, we needed time apart. We needed to take a completely different approach to building whatever we wanted from each other.
We needed to start fresh.
My birthday passed and I got back to campus...I was extremely excited to see Michael. He helped my mom and I move my things into my room and later that night...he had birthday gifts for me and guess what!? He asked me to be his girlfriend lateee that night (around 12:30 am, it took us awhile to move my things in) Lol there are some things you'll never forget... to me, we were happy together...we were officially dating. 08/18/18.
I will never forget many of our special moments while we were in an actual relationship for the time God allotted...we cooked together, I made moves with him, I had his back 100%.. and I know he had mine. He made me feel protected. We were inseparable...at least I thought we were. I thought we were in love...turns out, I was the only one in love..at least that's how he began to treat me..
Things were great up until that November/December. Michael had new journeys he wanted to embark upon. He had new things he wanted to invest his time and energy into...he didn't want me to be apart of that. Around November, he became really distant, he became emotionally abusive and dismissive. He became someone I thought he'd never be in every aspect. I don't know why but this made me love him more. I felt like I needed to try harder to keep what we had, together. I was down for whatever to keep my man. I didn't care. It's weird..he began neglecting me, disrespecting me, ghosting me without warning, he stopped complimenting me, he stopped giving me attention, he literally threw me to the wolves and I hated myself because I thought I was the issue. I thought he was disgusted with me, I thought he wanted other women (because of our past and things I haven't mentioned,) so many thoughts were running through my head because he was showing me a side of him I NEVER seen before. All I wanted to do was fix the issue, whatever it was.. I wanted to get things back to where they were. I wanted him to want me again.
Shortly after..
We broke up in December.. when we broke up he told me that he had been thinking of breaking up with me for the past month but never said anything.
Once again, he broke me.
He hurt me to...the...core.
How could you be thinking of breaking up with someone for a WHOLE month, not communicate with them or tell them anything, you're literally acting like everything is cool. This honestly damaged me for life.
It's been 2 years since we broke up and I still don't think I could ever fully trust someone ever again. You spend every day with someone, you wipe their tears, cook for them, laugh with them, create a soul-tie, make unforgettable memories with them, tell them your whole life story, you experience your first of MANY things with them...all for them to literally drop you like nothing.
You literally never know what a person is thinking in their head, Idc how much you think they love you. Idc how much you think you know them. Their thoughts are their thoughts. You will never know what they are thinking unless they tell you and believe it or not, no one is obligated to tell you anything. Relationship or not.
That's something Michael taught me.
He chose his new 'journey" over me... he could've kept me throughout his new "journey" and learned how to balance but, I was no longer what he wanted. He showed me that I was no longer important to him..he was falling out of love with me, & with the way he was acting towards me, I'm not sure I was ever important to him.
Things got bad.
I'm literally telling you all the sugar coated version because this post would be even LONGER but things got horrible... He got the temporary and genuine companionship he wanted and he dipped. He joined an organization and that's where it got wild.
He ghosted me.
He would ignore my texts and calls.
He would physically walk past me with different girls (that he mentioned having feelings for previously.)
He became extremely cold towards me.
He acted like he didn't know me when we'd see each other in person.
He completely neglected me..
The worst part was, he never gave me ANY explanation for anything..till this day, I still have no idea what I did to him to make him give me his tail to kiss in that manner. I still don't know what I did to have him do me the way he did...out of all people, me.
Due to this, I began to hate myself. I blamed myself for the breakup. I thought I wasn't worthy of being loved anymore. I quickly slipped into depression. I began to self harm...a lot, multiple times a day. I was experiencing lots of other life issues outside of the relationship. Everything was hitting me all at once. I had no one. My relationship with God was non existent. I no longer had any friends, sisters, or family. I became addicted to Marijuana, I was about to get kicked out of school. I was battling with being sexually assaulted during college (not by Michael,) I was going through so much more, some things I can't speak on publicly but... It became unbearable, so...I decided to commit suicide.
I did it. I attempted to end my life inside of my dorm room. (I'll tell this story at a later date)
It obviously didn't work..I mean, I'm still here (Glory to GOD!)...but things were bad.
Michael, still to this day, doesn't know about any of this. He doesn't know about my suicide attempts, self harm, me being sexually assaulted...none of that. I never wanted to make him feel like it was his fault. It wasn't. Those were my issues. Accountability is important. Even after all we've been through, I would still never want him to feel like I felt at one point.
Even if I were given the opportunity, I would never treat him the way he treated me. It's not in my heart to be cold towards anyone..I just can't do it.
Even with all I've been through in life...I have so much love planted inside of me...I really have the love of Jesus deep within my heart..no one will ever be able to take that away from me.
This was my first heartbreak.
When we broke up in December, 2018. Michael promised me that we would work on things and that we'd one day be together again. I held onto these promises.
I tried and tried and tried.. he still ghosted me, he just didn't care anymore..he was a COMPLETELY NEW PERSON. I did not know who he was anymore..
We would communicated on and off up until October of 2019.
But Michael was still treating me like crap, he was enjoying his new life and had no intentions on apologizing, being friends, making things right...nothing.
He showed me he didn't care, he gave me his tail to kiss repeatedly...
(I promise you all, I haven't told yall the HALF of what we went through...this is merely just the cookie cutter version of a Lifetime Movie, please believe me. lol Michael and I have been through HELL and back at least 20 times over..but the love was something so indescribable..I wish I could really put it into words.)
I eventually just settled with the fact that I loved and I loss.
Michael showed me things I had never been introduced to before.
I thought before anything, we'd always remain friends.
I thought we would always have a certain level of respect for each other that could never be destroyed.
I thought that I'd always be that person he'd protect and value regardless of what type of terms we were on.
It was one sided.
I'm the only person who felt that way.
Michael and I still have never had proper closure, we've never actually discussed the drastic disrespect.
Although some days I wish he'd just genuinely apologize..I've become content with the fact that it will never happen.
Michael taught me more about myself than anything else.
Michael taught me what not to accept.
Since then, I've grown as a woman in numerous ways.
I am no longer insecure.
I know what I'm deserving of and my self worth.
I know how to approach intimate situations more maturely.
I understand the importance of space.
I now know how to listen more effectively.
I know that I am more than enough.
I now know that despite everything I've gone through in life...I am capable of loving someone with zero conditions.
Completely unconditional.
I've learned to love myself deeper than I ever knew I could.
Regardless of how things ended, Michael will forever be my First Love for various reasons.
We shared something most people will never understand and that's okay.
I have no hatred or ill feelings towards him even though plenty of my friends say I should... he definitely did me the dirtiest of dirty.
I don't regret loving him the way I did... because honestly, that's probably what he needed.
He was what I needed at the time. He was my.. First Love.
I now understand that Michael was never running away from how great of a woman I was to him..he was running away from parts of himself he wasn't willing to fix to deserve me and a love so pure.
& that has nothing to do with me.
I hope one day Michael realizes that he is capable of being an amazing person in every aspect.
I hope one day Michael realizes that loving and being loved is okay,
If you're reading this,
The prayers for you never stopped.
I'll always be rooting for you.
I wish you peace and happiness.
Love Forever,
Nas (A Real One, lol)
Get comfortable because this is going to be a bit lengthy...
It started off pretty smoothly actually,
It wasn't a basic "hi" or "hello" but it was a "your beauty is highly respected upon me"..
Dope right? lol like who says that?
That's something I'm never going to forget.
At first I wasn't interested. Not even a little.
He was handsome, had the perfect smile, super sweet, charming, hilarious and had an amazing physique but I wasn't attracted. I just wasn't there.
It was October of my freshman year of college and I'm going to be honest..I was having the time of my life, lol.
I was enjoying the attention from guys and even girls, I was enjoying the new adventure of being free.
I was enjoying my friends.
I was enjoying the amazing new city I moved to.
I was enjoying this entire new transformation of "Anias."
I had no idea the journey ahead of me would take me to places I had never been, emotionally and definitely physically.
So, we're going to call him...Michael.
Before Michael said the aforementioned statement to me..I promise, I never saw him around campus. After he said it, I began to see him literally everywhere. I'd see him when I walked out of my dorm, I'd see him on "the block" (a common area where a lot of students at my HBCU would hang out and mingle) I'd see him in the cafe. Literally everywhere. The more I started seeing him around, the more he'd do this super goofy smile, lean his head to the side and wave, simultaneously. It was the cutest thing, Lol.
Michael would always wear sweatpants...
One specific day, I was sitting in the Cafe with 4 of my friends and we were all just enjoying our dinner and being goofy as usual. You know, normal girl talk.
My girls were talking but out of the side of my eye I saw Michael standing near the exit door close to Lorraine's (If you went to Smiff then you know exactly which door I'm talking about.) He was talking to his friends. I still wasn't interested but it was something extremely unique about him that caught my attention no matter what. Years later, I still can't put my finger on what it was.
So, we're going to call him...Michael.
Before Michael said the aforementioned statement to me..I promise, I never saw him around campus. After he said it, I began to see him literally everywhere. I'd see him when I walked out of my dorm, I'd see him on "the block" (a common area where a lot of students at my HBCU would hang out and mingle) I'd see him in the cafe. Literally everywhere. The more I started seeing him around, the more he'd do this super goofy smile, lean his head to the side and wave, simultaneously. It was the cutest thing, Lol.
Michael would always wear sweatpants...
One specific day, I was sitting in the Cafe with 4 of my friends and we were all just enjoying our dinner and being goofy as usual. You know, normal girl talk.
My girls were talking but out of the side of my eye I saw Michael standing near the exit door close to Lorraine's (If you went to Smiff then you know exactly which door I'm talking about.) He was talking to his friends. I still wasn't interested but it was something extremely unique about him that caught my attention no matter what. Years later, I still can't put my finger on what it was.
This specific day he was wearing a windbreaker and some blue sweatpants that were obviously cut into shorts, I guess he had just gotten out of workouts.
The sweatshorts were very revealing... I'm going to be honest, your girl was in a complete trance. I was stuck looking at something I shouldn't have been. It wasn't intentional at all but it really just caught me completely off guard but then.. the most embarrassing thing happened. I guess he spotted me staring at what was in his sweatshorts and he bent his head down by his private area to make eye contact and waved at me to get my attention on his face. I was so embarrassed because I was.....
caught.
looking.
at.
his.
Johnson.
If you know me then you know, I was WEAK.
To play it off, I smiled and waved back. Kept it cool. calm. and collected. know me. Lol
That's literally where it all began.
Later that evening, Michael slid in the dm's and asked for my number. We began communicating daily.
We never discussed that incident until later down the line but..
Things were perfect.
We were getting to know each other on a friendship level with a dash of flirting here and there.
Subtle.
Very Subtle.
I guess you can say I started to become somewhat attracted to his personality and how well we instantly connected. We both had a sense of humor that only we could understand from each other.
We literally had so much in common, similar music taste, food choices, TV shows, anything you can think of...Michael and I were connected.
He was a very sweet and attentive person in the beginning.
He would invite me to his room on campus (our dorms were right across from each other.) There wasn't much we could do on campus and we were both extremely conservative, so I wasn't tripping off of the room invites. We could only go to his room because at the time, mine wasn't co-ed but his was. He was a class ahead of me. I was still a Freshman and he was a Sophomore. We would literally chill and talk. He never touched me, never tried anything sexual with me, we barely even flirted in person, we'd only give each other the little slight side hugs when he would come to the door and let me in and when we'd say goodbye's.
It was never too much. I liked that because I'm not really too fond of being touched unless I'm EXTREMELY close to that person..but..
we just talked.
we got to know each other on levels so deeply
Some nights he would play his game and he'd connect me to the bluetooth so I could play music.
I guess you can say we just enjoyed each other's presence.
Hanging out in his room became the norm for a little while...
We were always weak at the goofiest things, being around him never got old.
I was beginning to enjoy Michael...a lot.
This one specific night we were both just doing our own thing while in his room. He was sitting in his desk chair playing his game and I was sitting on his bed just scrolling on my phone. I was connected to the bluetooth. I guess he caught me singing along to this song and he said "I didn't know you could sing...I like your voice." It caught me completely off guard because he was playing "Red Dead or Fortnite," yall know how niggas be about them games...So, I didn't even think he was paying attention to me. Plus, he had the headset on.
That was one of the first compliments he ever gave me in person, face to face. It was..
Subtle
but it was still something, I guess.
I remember the song like it was yesterday. I was playing Braid Your Hair by Jazmine Sullivan. Once he said this, I immediately stopped singing because he caught me when I didn't even realize I was singing and if you know me then you know I don't usually sing around people. I love music and I love singing but Idk, it's just a weird "me" thing.
After this, we immediately became closer. I'm not sure how but from this day forward and throughout the rest of our college years..we would always reconvene. I don't care how long we went without speaking..we always found ourselves back in each others' space somehow..some way. Michael was beginning to discover parts of me I never knew existed. Michael was becoming everything I never even knew I wanted..He was really LIKE THAT in more ways than a little.
Whenever we were on breaks from dating...we would entertain others but it obviously didn't compare to what we shared with one another because there was nothing that would keep us from each other for too long.
Michael and I were connected..I was beginning to care about him...a lot.
Michael and I stopped communicating around May/June of my Freshman year of college after being off and on since that previous October. (Shortly after May/June..I then met Contagious, refer back to "Coming To You As A Woman"...Contagious is who I used to get my mind off of Michael.)
Fast forward to the Spring of 2018..
It was the end of my Sophomore year and I was approaching my Junior year of College, Michael was approaching his Senior year of college. During this time, a lot changed. I wasn't as available. I grew as a person during that time apart. I wasn't sweating Contagious...but even through everything I had gone through, the feelings for Michael never left. Contagious was merely just a distraction to make me feel what I wanted to feel from Michael....But, things were different. I was a Resident Advisor, I was still an Official Student Leader, I was apart of the University Concert Choir, I was apart of a few clubs/organizations on campus, I battled with a lot of personal issues I had gone through with Contagious and I also became a woman of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. My schedule was hectic but late April of 2018...Michael and I reconvened.
We weren't on good terms at all. I will admit, I gained feelings for him out of the blue and he completely destroyed them. I didn't necessarily WANT to gain feelings for him..our chemistry was unmatched..it just happened.
It almost felt as if he led me on just to let me down, I HATED him. I didn't even want him in the beginning.
HE was persistent.
HE reached out to me.
HE introduced me to a feeling he didn't have to if he had no intentions on being consistent.
Michael would hit me up randomly every blue moon to check on me during the time we weren't on good terms..at times, I just didn't respond. I really wanted to respond, always.. but I didn't. It was hard for me not to respond. I loved the fact that he'd let me know that I was on his mind regardless of what terms we were on, that's what mattered the most.
My friends and I would sit in the car for hours..we would smoke plenty of blunts and they would just listen to me vent about how hurt I was by Michael. I would cry, they would wipe my tears. I could NOT believe I actually had feelings for this dude.
My jersey was destroyed LMBO.
Michael took me out of the game. I was HURT. (I'll never go completely into depth about everything we went through because some things should stay between him and I. Just know...He and I experienced things that are unforgettable.)
We would still see each other on campus but we would walk past each other like we didn't know each other. When Michael and I reconvened...He was a COMPLETELY different person. Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was just an act..but I was blinded by what I thought was love, missing him, who I wanted him to be and generally having him around.. no matter how much I hated him..to me, he was my friend. &I wanted my friend back.
Everything changed. He was more affectionate, he was even more persistent, he was more attentive, he would make time to see me, he was really showing EFFORT. He made me feel more special than he ever had, previously..
But Michael had a secret....
Michael and I were texting one day and he said he had something to tell me. He said it would be better if he told me in person. So, in my head I'm like "Wow, he likes men. That has to be what it is." I couldn't think of anything else....But boy was I wrong.
So, Michael came to my suite in Duke Hall one night and we began talking. He told me that while we weren't communicating he had sex with someone EXTREMELY close to me. I was HEARTBROKEN. I felt like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest and he took it and wiped his tail with it.
While the girl and I are were extremely close, there are VERY few people who know about my love life. Idc how close we are...I've never liked anyone knowing about who I'm dealing with until we are completely solid. Michael and I weren't solid.
My mom always taught me If you love in public, you'll hurt in public. Some things are okay to keep to yourself.
I couldn't be mad at her because she didn't know about Michael and I...but Michael knew her and I were cool. Trust me, he knew.
What hurt me the most is that when I went to her and asked her what was up (once again, being VERY confrontational) she lied. She said they hadn't been sexual. I was devastated because...why would you lie?
For various reasons, mainly because I'm TOOOO nice of a person, I forgave both of them.
We all started fresh. I didn't want to lose either of them. They both played major roles in my life...my heart wouldn't lead me to let go of my friend..nor the guy I was falling in love with.
Michael began showing me things I never experienced before. We became BEST FRIENDS during the summer of 2018. I honestly feel like that experience made us so much more close. I opened up to him about many "self" issues I dealt with and he did the same. There was NOTHING we didn't know about each other...we talked 48/14..ALL DAY, everyday.
Michael was becoming a huge part of my life. He made me feel beautiful when I felt extremely insecure, he heard me when none of my other friends were up for listening, he let me roast him and trust me, he never failed to roast me back. He was the perfect gentleman too. Lol Michael was becoming the guy of my dreams.
Michael asked me to be his girlfriend 3 times that summer...I told him we needed to wait until we got back to campus and were in person.
We were really falling for each other in ways that were so unimaginable.
But,
He needed to show me DIFFERENT. He needed to still prove himself to me.
My birthday is August 1st and we didn't get back to campus until August 17th. He wanted to see me and make time for me throughout that summer and on my actual birthday but I insisted we waited until we were both back on campus. After what we had just gone through, we needed time apart. We needed to take a completely different approach to building whatever we wanted from each other.
We needed to start fresh.
My birthday passed and I got back to campus...I was extremely excited to see Michael. He helped my mom and I move my things into my room and later that night...he had birthday gifts for me and guess what!? He asked me to be his girlfriend lateee that night (around 12:30 am, it took us awhile to move my things in) Lol there are some things you'll never forget... to me, we were happy together...we were officially dating. 08/18/18.
I will never forget many of our special moments while we were in an actual relationship for the time God allotted...we cooked together, I made moves with him, I had his back 100%.. and I know he had mine. He made me feel protected. We were inseparable...at least I thought we were. I thought we were in love...turns out, I was the only one in love..at least that's how he began to treat me..
Things were great up until that November/December. Michael had new journeys he wanted to embark upon. He had new things he wanted to invest his time and energy into...he didn't want me to be apart of that. Around November, he became really distant, he became emotionally abusive and dismissive. He became someone I thought he'd never be in every aspect. I don't know why but this made me love him more. I felt like I needed to try harder to keep what we had, together. I was down for whatever to keep my man. I didn't care. It's weird..he began neglecting me, disrespecting me, ghosting me without warning, he stopped complimenting me, he stopped giving me attention, he literally threw me to the wolves and I hated myself because I thought I was the issue. I thought he was disgusted with me, I thought he wanted other women (because of our past and things I haven't mentioned,) so many thoughts were running through my head because he was showing me a side of him I NEVER seen before. All I wanted to do was fix the issue, whatever it was.. I wanted to get things back to where they were. I wanted him to want me again.
Shortly after..
We broke up in December.. when we broke up he told me that he had been thinking of breaking up with me for the past month but never said anything.
Once again, he broke me.
He hurt me to...the...core.
How could you be thinking of breaking up with someone for a WHOLE month, not communicate with them or tell them anything, you're literally acting like everything is cool. This honestly damaged me for life.
It's been 2 years since we broke up and I still don't think I could ever fully trust someone ever again. You spend every day with someone, you wipe their tears, cook for them, laugh with them, create a soul-tie, make unforgettable memories with them, tell them your whole life story, you experience your first of MANY things with them...all for them to literally drop you like nothing.
You literally never know what a person is thinking in their head, Idc how much you think they love you. Idc how much you think you know them. Their thoughts are their thoughts. You will never know what they are thinking unless they tell you and believe it or not, no one is obligated to tell you anything. Relationship or not.
That's something Michael taught me.
He chose his new 'journey" over me... he could've kept me throughout his new "journey" and learned how to balance but, I was no longer what he wanted. He showed me that I was no longer important to him..he was falling out of love with me, & with the way he was acting towards me, I'm not sure I was ever important to him.
Things got bad.
I'm literally telling you all the sugar coated version because this post would be even LONGER but things got horrible... He got the temporary and genuine companionship he wanted and he dipped. He joined an organization and that's where it got wild.
He ghosted me.
He would ignore my texts and calls.
He would physically walk past me with different girls (that he mentioned having feelings for previously.)
He became extremely cold towards me.
He acted like he didn't know me when we'd see each other in person.
He completely neglected me..
The worst part was, he never gave me ANY explanation for anything..till this day, I still have no idea what I did to him to make him give me his tail to kiss in that manner. I still don't know what I did to have him do me the way he did...out of all people, me.
Due to this, I began to hate myself. I blamed myself for the breakup. I thought I wasn't worthy of being loved anymore. I quickly slipped into depression. I began to self harm...a lot, multiple times a day. I was experiencing lots of other life issues outside of the relationship. Everything was hitting me all at once. I had no one. My relationship with God was non existent. I no longer had any friends, sisters, or family. I became addicted to Marijuana, I was about to get kicked out of school. I was battling with being sexually assaulted during college (not by Michael,) I was going through so much more, some things I can't speak on publicly but... It became unbearable, so...I decided to commit suicide.
I did it. I attempted to end my life inside of my dorm room. (I'll tell this story at a later date)
It obviously didn't work..I mean, I'm still here (Glory to GOD!)...but things were bad.
Michael, still to this day, doesn't know about any of this. He doesn't know about my suicide attempts, self harm, me being sexually assaulted...none of that. I never wanted to make him feel like it was his fault. It wasn't. Those were my issues. Accountability is important. Even after all we've been through, I would still never want him to feel like I felt at one point.
Even if I were given the opportunity, I would never treat him the way he treated me. It's not in my heart to be cold towards anyone..I just can't do it.
Even with all I've been through in life...I have so much love planted inside of me...I really have the love of Jesus deep within my heart..no one will ever be able to take that away from me.
This was my first heartbreak.
When we broke up in December, 2018. Michael promised me that we would work on things and that we'd one day be together again. I held onto these promises.
I tried and tried and tried.. he still ghosted me, he just didn't care anymore..he was a COMPLETELY NEW PERSON. I did not know who he was anymore..
We would communicated on and off up until October of 2019.
But Michael was still treating me like crap, he was enjoying his new life and had no intentions on apologizing, being friends, making things right...nothing.
He showed me he didn't care, he gave me his tail to kiss repeatedly...
(I promise you all, I haven't told yall the HALF of what we went through...this is merely just the cookie cutter version of a Lifetime Movie, please believe me. lol Michael and I have been through HELL and back at least 20 times over..but the love was something so indescribable..I wish I could really put it into words.)
I eventually just settled with the fact that I loved and I loss.
Michael showed me things I had never been introduced to before.
I thought before anything, we'd always remain friends.
I thought we would always have a certain level of respect for each other that could never be destroyed.
I thought that I'd always be that person he'd protect and value regardless of what type of terms we were on.
It was one sided.
I'm the only person who felt that way.
Michael and I still have never had proper closure, we've never actually discussed the drastic disrespect.
Although some days I wish he'd just genuinely apologize..I've become content with the fact that it will never happen.
Michael taught me more about myself than anything else.
Michael taught me what not to accept.
Since then, I've grown as a woman in numerous ways.
I am no longer insecure.
I know what I'm deserving of and my self worth.
I know how to approach intimate situations more maturely.
I understand the importance of space.
I now know how to listen more effectively.
I know that I am more than enough.
I now know that despite everything I've gone through in life...I am capable of loving someone with zero conditions.
Completely unconditional.
I've learned to love myself deeper than I ever knew I could.
Regardless of how things ended, Michael will forever be my First Love for various reasons.
We shared something most people will never understand and that's okay.
I have no hatred or ill feelings towards him even though plenty of my friends say I should... he definitely did me the dirtiest of dirty.
I don't regret loving him the way I did... because honestly, that's probably what he needed.
He was what I needed at the time. He was my.. First Love.
I now understand that Michael was never running away from how great of a woman I was to him..he was running away from parts of himself he wasn't willing to fix to deserve me and a love so pure.
& that has nothing to do with me.
I hope one day Michael realizes that he is capable of being an amazing person in every aspect.
I hope one day Michael realizes that loving and being loved is okay,
If you're reading this,
The prayers for you never stopped.
I'll always be rooting for you.
I wish you peace and happiness.
Love Forever,
Nas (A Real One, lol)
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